Them or Me

"Tell me how it came to be
that I am this... thing..." Claudia, Interview with the Vampire


I've reason lately to contemplate the people in my life. It was once quite solitary, my existence. From the span of nineteen until forty I was totally alone, wandering from one city to another, in exile from the one from which I came. No, the one where I was sent to live. Ar, an arrival at somewhere near the age of ten, though I cannot recall my actual life before it. I have my date of birth due to a letter found once among my mother's things, a letter to the woman who should have been my mother, Lucretia. I'm closing in on a century, and how much of that time did I spend in self loathing, unable to change so much of what happened in the initial decade after my birth, and in this house until my exile?

Corinn has been taken, presumably by the Merchant, Jamir. The man we all believed to be dead, and it reminds me of how Bonnie used to worry so that our father would come back. It is not an unfounded concern. His body, like Jamir's, never found. Only rumors from Port Cos and Ar, of how he supposedly died, and was never seen after. I know the things my father did, the things I've done, and I recognized it all in the dismembered body of the guard he'd left in his wake. It wasn't necessary, the way the man was left, and I recognize that too. Pain and violence for its own sake. I took the eyelids, to add to my collection. It is the first time I have done so with a body not of my own making. I've been 'good' too long. That Other, is under the surface. I had him tempered. He wants out again. I accept that he is a part of the whole, and quit loathing myself because he is in me, but I'm not sure it matters.

Parents

Madaline-She bitch mother, with her flair for the dramatic, and her disdain of a boy aged ten. Make him something else, she said, make him socially acceptable. And he did. 'She's not yours.'

Zamalan-Great-grandfather/biological father, inventor, experimentor, and a nemesis whose face I can barely recall. His voice, I'll never forget. 'You want her? You will have to escape first.'

Free Women

Bonnie-My sister, my former companion, Julian's mother. I did escape, she was mine. 'I'd do anything for you.' Except what I needed, because it was inconvenient. I've been told she slept with the Assassin two days after our contract was dissolved. How long did I try to save her from what they'd made of her? Mother, Father, First Companion.

Natali-Ticky Scribe, she with whom nothing was forced. Nothing was made to be what it was. It was me. It was her. Balance. Real. If I am capable of regret, it's her loss I regret the most. She knew me for who I am, saw that other side, knew about the nature of my relationship with my sister, and chose to stay.

Strophe-Physician who reminds me so much of my mother, emotionally at least, that I don't recall why I ever thought I loved her. She made me feel young, perhaps that was it. And maybe it was love, of a sort, but it died due to half truths and a belief in a tryst that didn't happen until she was gone.

Alyssa-First Physician, the madness spilled out only a month after our companionship began. It was all political, she knew it from the beginning. She knew it until the end.

Sekret-She stole something, some of my regrets probably more than anything else. Pregnant now after some miracle, and whereas that once would have nearly killed me, I realize now that it has almost no affect.

Slaves

Ann-Shop slave, I knew the pattern, and hope that no wreckage came of the experiences we had together. She needed to be released, and I understood.

Delilah-Indigo barbarian with a penchant for ripping apart the writings, how many times did I watch her ritual without truly comprehending the meaning? Tear me apart, break me down, so I won't be this anymore. Sold to Ostia, and only seen on one or two occasions following.

Izabella-Too short a time together, the tunnels found, and required.

Echo-Silent, and musing, unable to communicate verbally, trapped with an owner that could not communicate either, though for very different reasons.

Bela-The vintner's former companion, mother of his children, one of the smartest women I've ever met. My slave, the first real one in my collar, but then I was a different man. Unwilling to keep a woman from her children. She is free, to this day.

Treasure-Gifted slave, in the sense someone gave her to me. Cristos. Probably because he couldn't stand her either. When she ran, I knew where she was, but she wasn't worth retrieving. She found her pirate, he plundered what he wanted, and I wished them well.



Madeline

It's not just about beauty. There is that, of course. Just because a man can do something though, doesn't always mean he should. If she does finally see that Other, will she beg after all? There are so many things she has confessed to not being able to look at, under the stark microscope of reality. How long did it take her to see that men here, even in love, are the same as men from her planet? No, she says she does not want me to change, but she hasn't seen me for who I really am. And if she does see, and doesn't beg, how many other reasons will I have for being the person the others have seen thus far?

Julian-Piece of my soul, if there is such a thing.

Therise-She who never judges. The sister I should have had. Connected.

Astraea-It isn't love. It will be something more. Twiceover. Keeper of secrets.

Nash-Earnest genius. I try not to steer him wrong or betray.

Lucien and Nathan-I don't always understand. Neither do they. The Chosen Triad.

Portia-Kindred. If men can have friends in slaves, she is that.

Corinn-Sweet mermaid girl with cat eyes. Stolen. Worth the risk.

Someday, today, it might come down to one of them or me.

Attached

I've been delaying this entry. It's the sort of writing I worry about, because I've learned that things can change so quickly, and without warning. Or perhaps not without warning, but without my willingness to see. After Julian's mother left, I told myself I wasn't going to get blindsided. What follows here isn't about that. It's about what creeps up on you, however, and what you choose to do once it's happened.

Madeline. I marked her. It's a personal mark. It's not something I have done before, except with the Physician, and in that situation the mark was placed in a location easily covered unless someone were to take her to their couch. Even then, is she were not smooth, it would be impossible to discern. This mark. This new mark. It's red, and black, and rests where the brand ought to rest. I'm not sure she realizes it, and it's nothing I plan to tell her, but I knew what I was doing when I put it there. Yes, I had considered something similar in a brand instead, but there is the part that doesn't wish to do this. Conventions. I often adhere to them in order to make someone else's life easier, even if they don't know it. It could, feasibly, be removed. If it were, and the holes in her ears were to close, there would be no absolute way of knowing what she is. If she were branded, it would be forever. Even if her actions didn't tell everyone what she was, giving her away were she to wear robes, that mark would. This mark does not, but it has a merging of our cultures in its creation. It had meaning. Has. Meaning.

When did it happen? I don't know. Somewhere amid the fights, and the training, and mixed into all of it. Even our expressing it took two nights, the word as I told her, not coming easily. I had determined I was not going to let myself connect to only one person, to the exclusion of all others, as I have in the past. I was not going to become attached.

I think it finally dawned on me when I was at the camp, and I joked to my friends that my desire to get up and go do things as I usually do them, was almost nonexistent. That all I wanted to do was lie around all day stroking her, and reading to my son. I told Nash when I returned from the hunt, and I think he wanted to laugh at me, state that was plainly in. Bedrudging. Attached.

It was a joke, I do have my tasks and visits that I must make or I would go completely insane, but there isn't the inside battle there used to be over such things. She wishes she could be everything for me, but I told her to instead focus on those things that she can do. I wrapped a chain around her arm two night's ago, and she held onto it with the other hand, but there was no cuff. She could have unwrapped it, or skillfully worked it loose in a convincing way. She didn't. And because she didn't, because she did extend herself past that former barrier, I was content.

The General's slave was stolen recently, and I filed away information on the thief to tell the Warrior. I went to his private apartments and discussed the matter with him. He offered the redhead's service, were she to be found. I've never seriously considered her an option. I don't know why really, but apparently it is mutual, as she's obviously never seen me in that light. She told me she thought because I am a Scribe, I would only like soft slaves. I told her I like women. That I own a soft slave, but I like all types. It's true.

Still, I do own a soft slave. I had fabric flowers made for her hair, and I tattood her skin instead of putting a hot iron to it. I don't push her toward pain, just because I can, because I realize I don't need to in order to feel all is right in the cosmic order of things.

Have I given up anything? I would say no. I fulfill certain requirements of my personality, with others. This hurts her, it hurt her last night, but it's nothing I plan to discontinue. Some would say this makes me selfish, which is fine. I told her I would not be releasing her unless she begged, and she assured me it wasn't something she'd do. Even if she did, I wouldn't release her. I like what she is, and what she does for me, but I like these others as well. It's integrating it all together...

Simon's Law

Recent events have led to my creating something I refer to as Simon's Law: It is impossible for all members of a group of friends, to be completely happy, at any one given time. If I ever doubted it before, I don't any longer.

Garrick made an offhand threat toward the Therise, of the collaring variety, and ended up nearly taking off his father's arm when the two went at one another with weapons. Later, while Lucien was still in pain, his son sat around with Lilah in what I call "companion mode," as if nothing had happened. To make matters worse, I had to find out Lilah was expecting, through the words of other people. I remember a time, when I would have been the second to know, just after the father.

Lucien's own cousin, a woman named Callista, was also there. I'm not sure why she hates everyone that breathes, or at least everyone male, but I didn't try talking to her either. She very plainly wanted to be anywhere, but where we were, and was intent on making almost everyone as miserable as she was. I think she must have lost someone important recently, and I can understand where that will engender bitterness, but it all still seemed rather too much. I understand something else happened there as well, and it caused the trip to basically end early, but I did not try to learn further details.

Ordinarily, all of this would have happened on Cos. This time, however, it was up in the Voltai. We'd gone to another of the Merchants' lairs, this time Jamir's keep. We found much of the same as last time, traps and treasures. Madeline and I also found a few unexpected things. She calls them astrological symbols, a collection of twelve, that have something to do with personalities. I found a book within Jamir's library, that also indicates they have to do with the times of year, and they relate to star constellations. Of those she found, all were relevant to water. Like at the ruins near Corcyrus. Nash has suggested that because Jamir was Taharian, it might be that he is like most of the people there, seeing water as infinitely precious. This would make sense, except that we also located hundreds, perhaps even thousands, of bodies. Bones now, all of them, but many still with their clothing and jewelry. Various ideas were explored, battle, natural disaster, and one I think fits most accurately. They were the servants or slaves of a certain person, the same person whose organs I found in a set of jars, their heads designed like animals we don't have here. Madeline says such burials take place on the barbarian planet, in a place called Egypt. Ordinarily, however, such a person would be made into a mummy, the jars set with them. I don't know what a mummy is yet, but the jars were in a set of cylinders that were activated into lowering from the ceiling by a switch near the floor. I still don't understand it all.

I would like to have my cards read again, now that I am back in Ar. Perhaps they will have something to tell me about all of this, and other things as well. The reader, she made me an offer before I left for the trip. I lost one. She lost two. Two more have been offered, only following her change of caste. No contract required. Friends. Trust. I told her we would revisit the matter when the caste matter was concluded. I have concerns, and most of them are not for me.

Before

1 : in advance : ahead
2 : at an earlier time : previously

Before, a seemingly simple concept, but it's became very much more complex than I ever would have imagined.

Before, I would not have concerned myself with what another man's slave was doing, as long as she was biddable enough to me.

Before, I would have said that having a single heir was enough, because I wasn't particularly keen on spending time with anyone under the age of ten.

Before, I would not have been able to go around scouring ruins without care if something dangerous might be lurking in or around them, unless it was in an area close to Ar. If I had, I would have had to take frequent breaks to rest my leg or back, and avoided sheer-drop precipices.

This is not a full entry, just something to come before.